When am I in the clear?

When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.


I think I should live by this quote from now on.  Going through all this and being as scared as I have been has tested my faith in so many ways. I have lost hope and got it back again during this road. I have had so many different emotions in the past few months. I am at times jealous of everyone else who is pregnant and glowing and excited. Mostly because while they are shopping and planning and getting everything together I am fighting the urge and dealing with so much hesitation because it's not as easy for me to do all that knowing the things that I know and that the outcome for me may be very different then most.  It's taking me months to be able to allow myself to get attached or excited about this pregnancy because of all the negative surrounding it. And let me tell you trying not to get attached is actually impossible. I love this baby with all my heart and I havent even met him/her yet.  I bought a stroller.. It was a sale item and I loved it so I jumped at it. And we did a layaway with the crib and dresser.. the whole time thinking if anything happened it could be cancelled.. Why do I have to keep thinking like that? Why can't I just shop and get excited without any hesitation?
I am 15 weeks now. Usually thats "in the clear" for most. That is the time when woman start to really get involved in the pregnancy because the risk for things going wrong drops so much. When is my risk going to drop? I just wanted to vent a little. I am actually doing good right now. I am back at work after a long week off and feel good, tired of course but thats normal.